What are you resisting?

I resisted parenting books for a long time. Now I know why.

For those of you who don’t know, my mom passed away in 2008 when I was 24. In my opinion, she was a great mom. The best. A shining example for me.

Who needs books when you can just think, “what would mom have done?” 🤷🏼‍♀️

That works for the most part, but at times it still feels like guessing. And lately I’ve felt an intense desire to talk to her about being a mom.

It’s opened up a whole new layer to my grief.

She’s the only person I want to talk to about parenting. I don’t want a stupid book. I want my mom.

Once I had this realization (thanks, therapy) picking up a parenting book felt easier.

And necessary.

Uncomfortable AF, but easier and necessary in the grand scheme of things.

I knew rationally that I would actually benefit from a book and that I was fully capable of sitting with whatever feelings of grief and loss came up as I read.

I started reading this book and immediately felt very sad. I was enjoying the material, but I longed to be talking to my mom about all this stuff instead of reading this dumb book. I kept going, let the feelings just be, and over time my curiosity and interest started to pull me along.

My point with this post is sometimes we resist things. Duh. But usually asking “why am I resisting this?” can help us better understand ourselves and dissolve the resistance.

I can both feel sad that I can’t talk to my mom about parenting AND read books about parenting. I can even feel sad WHILE reading the f-ing, this-isn’t-how-it-was-suppose-to-be book. I can even imagine what her response would be to the book and integrate everything I learned from her into everything I read. And I can feel sad that we will never get to have that book club.

I am a beautifully complex human capable of holding a multitude of feelings simultaneously.

And so are you.

Whatever you are resisting may be an area of your life where you need to shine a light. Be gentle with yourself as you bravely explore.

You can do this. 💖

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